Bereaved Parents Awareness Month

July 2023

“It’s not supposed to be this way.”

Most times, this is the number one comment the parent of a child who has died makes. Whether the child is young or well into adulthood, the pain is real and the natural order of things is skewed.

For those who die young, parents experience enormous secondary loss at all the “firsts” that will never occur: graduations, attending college, marriage, or babies, for instance. It is a loss that follows a parent the rest of their lives, as they mark those sentinel events, with a bittersweet recognition.

However, the death of an adult child can provide its own challenges beyond the grief of the loss itself. Many elderly adults depend on their adult child for care, a home, a meal, or a sense of security. The upheaval for an elderly adult can be just as profound and traumatizing as those whose child is much younger.

Although there can be enormous isolation and stigma that accompanies the death of a child, it is a painful reality that transcends cultural, socioeconomic, and demographic boundaries. Walk into any support group and one will find that to be true, with those barriers gone. Most of us know someone, or have experienced ourselves, this devastating loss. And the statement of “it’s not supposed to be this way” is often followed by “I wouldn’t wish this pain on anyone.”

So, how to best help a grieving parent (or anyone grieving a loss of any kind, for that matter)?

• Offer Compassion and Empathy: Listening without judgment, acknowledging their pain, and allowing them to express their emotions can provide immense comfort.

• Be Present: Being available and present for grieving parents shows your support. Offer practical help with day-to-day tasks, provide a shoulder to lean on, or simply spend time together.

• Respect Their Grief Process: Grief is a highly individualized experience, and there is no right or wrong way to mourn. Respect their unique journey and avoid imposing expectations or timelines.

• Remember Their Child: Recognize and honor the child who has passed away. Speak their name, share memories, and acknowledge important dates such as birthdays or anniversaries. This can be immensely comforting and even joyful for a grieving parent, being provided the opportunity to share about their child.

• Try not to say well-meaning but unhelpful comments such as “Well, at least you still have your other children” or “You can always have another child”. Most likely, even if it’s left unsaid, a parent is thinking how incredibly unfair and insensitive comments like those are.

So, why does Bereaved Parents Month exist? Those of us who work in the field of loss know there is value in the observance, the creating of ritual, the acknowledgement, and the encouragement to keep saying their name and keep telling their story. As the proverb reminds us, “Say my name and I shall live forever.”

And since we live in a society that can be grief-illiterate, these reminders and opportunities for awareness, matter.

They do.

Be Well …